You won’t usually find me in da’ club, but when I discovered Hollywood Icon Lindsay Lohan had her own club in the heart of Athens, I couldn’t resist. Naturally, the only way to properly review Lindsay’s Greek establishment is to use quotes from the classic Lohan film “Mean Girls”. Spoiler Alert: Ms. Lohan was in the house the night I went!
The first thing to greet me at the club was a fire breathing demon statue on the roof. Hell yes, off to a good start! Passing below the demon, 10 staff members were there to welcome me. Only me. I arrived right when they opened (11:30pm!) and since I was there so “early,” I was the only person walking in, drawing their full attention. They peppered me with questions. “Do I want a bottle!?” No. “Do I want a table!?'” No. They disappointedly sent me to a window to pay the €10 cover.
Ok, this one is about me. As a world traveler my wardrobe is limited to essentials only, so the fanciest outfit I can throw on is a button down shirt, jeans, sneakers and my sailing jacket. And when I say sailing jacket, I’m not talking a blazer you’d wear on a yacht sipping mimos with Hunter and Chase, this thing is waterproof and meant to hold up in whipping wind while tying down the jib at sea in a hurricane. So I didn’t quite fit in with everyone else who did have proper club attire. Why do I mention this? Well the club didn’t care that I wasn’t dressed to the nines! The dress code was loose enough to let a dude like me in, who wasn’t draped in Armani, and I thought that was pretty cool.
Bathrooms usually don’t hit my radar but the ones at Lohan Nightclub sure caught my attention! Or rather, being able to see women washing their hands in the ladies room caught my attention. And they could see us fellas. When designing this mega club, someone thought it would be a fun idea to have two way mirrors so everyone could see everyone of the opposite sex at the sinks. Nothing sets the mood better than seeing your date not wash their hands before you grind on the dance floor. This “feature” is a no for me dawg.
The music played throughout the night was your typical club fare, stuff with buildup, a heavy beat, and a healthy dose of the first 60 seconds of current pop songs. The strategy was to get the cheer and excitement from hearing the beginning of a song you like and then playing the next one before that excitement wore off. The high point for me was a club remix of Coldplay’s Clocks which I assume was the low point for everyone else. The above quote really applies to the hype man though, a job that I was unaware of until I went to this club. What does he do? Basically he’s on stage hopping around in front of the DJ with a mic and counts down before the beat drops in the song. He doesn’t sing, or perform in any capacity other than this. But it kind of works! It gives the illusion of a live show with none of the talent required to pull that off. I’m going to start applying for hype man jobs. I think bringing a dry sarcasm to this position would really supercharge a club crowd.
At 3:15am, Eastern European Standard Time, the microphone was handed to a red haired woman wearing a black shirt and jeans in the VVIP Section next to the stage. But it was no ordinary woman, it was the Queen. Lindsay Lohan herself was in the building and addressed us. The crowd (loyal club subjects) erupted into a frenzy as she thanked us for partying with her and paying homage at her palace (I’m exaggerating, she talked like a normal person). There was a surge towards the front, with cellphones raised and Snapchat open, trying to get closer to the Queen. She smiled, waved, and danced, elevated above we mere mortals, in her VVIP perch. Now, I realize Lindsay will not be there every night but here’s my take: She totally could be? Not IN PERSON, but they should lean into her iconic status. The decor is halloween store gothic with neon quotes adorning the walls (see “bitches” picture above) so why not make the quotes from Lohan movies!? The bar doesn’t serve cocktails (reason unknown) but they should create some and make them Lindsay related. Wouldn’t you order a Freaky Fridaquiri? Or a A Prairie Home Campari and Soda? A Mean Girls Mule perhaps? How about every time you want a double you say “make it a Parent Trap?” Also, a Lindsay movie should be playing on a screen somewhere in the club at all times. She’s famous (infamous?), she’s iconic, she’s a character, have fun with that!